железобетонный сон — @дневники: асоциальная сеть

суббота, 05 марта 2011

23:58

Грустная история без хэппи-энда.

Как уютно детям в свете нежных черных звезд, В их глазах дрожит сиянье нежных черных звезд. Убереги их от книги, от буквы, от слова…

читать дальше"Goodbye Kris
I have not posted sooner about this because my oldest daughter was out of state and I was not about to tell her over the phone, or right before her finals started. She frequents my myspace page and anything that I said here would have been picked up by her immediately. I am thankful that she understands my reasons for waiting to tell her so we can grieve together. We are both so private about these things where we are outgoing in every other respect.
I am not prepared to rip open my heart on myspace for everyone to see. I have shared anger and joy here but this devastation is my own and I am sorry for anyone who might feel slighted by that or my wish to not talk about it. I deal with it the best way I can and in whatever increments I am able to and still make it to the next day.
At the end of April my husband Kris committed suicide. There are many things that I can see might have led up to the extremely depressed state that he was in at the end. Kris was on tetracycline for acne for many years, at 2000mg a day. When he and I had been together for about 6 months he decided to stop taking it because it was making his stomach hurt. After such a long term treatment of antibiotics his immune system was compromised and from that time on he stayed sick constantly, especially with food sensitivities. Many times he would just vomit until he was completely dehydrated and we'd have to take him to the hospital to be put on an IV. Nothing we tried seemed to help recover his health. Vitamins, candida cleanse, diet change, immune system boosters.
You all know Kris was a musician, an amazing guitarist. He lived and breathed the music and was known to lock himself in the studio for days with no food or sleep. Years ago Kris broke his hand in a car accident... shattered it. He had to have pins in it and some extensive physical therapy to even be able to use it, much less be able to play guitar. He did recover though and gritted his way through the pain until he was able to play again. He had such an amazing music career and such wonderful dedicated friends and fans that were moved by his work. He had no hobbies, no other real interests. His world was me, my 2 daughters, and the music. He was dedicated to all so completely. Last summer Kris re-broke his hand, and from the way his hand was before there was no such thing as a minor break and the only way to even hope for getting it to heal cleanly was more surgery and probably much more physical therapy. He didn't want to go through it again and seemed to have some hope for a while that after the pain stopped maybe he could just work his way back up to being able to play again.
For almost a year he had not touched an instrument. A couple months before he died he started playing again but instead of it giving him some peace as I had hoped it would he was frustrated and dissatisfied with what he was writing. I tried so hard to encourage him and assure him that he was just getting back into it and he just had to let his hand find its place again but I think it was his mind and heart that weren't the same. The music he was writing was different. I thought it was very good but to him it wasn't The Angelic Process so it was substandard. That's when the depression seemed to kick into high gear. Kris had always been clinically depressed and even suicidal for years with multiple attempts and plans. He told me when we got together that I had saved his life because before we met he had been days away from ending it all. That was really the last time he directly talked to me about suicide. In the end he was just locking himself away in the studio or completely passed out asleep. The music meant so much to him and he wanted so badly for it to feel the same. Unfortunately I started missing him before he was even gone. I was so sure he was going to pull out of it like he had before... just another roller coaster ride and things would start looking up.
I've said enough now. It is incredibly difficult to share this. We had such a happy beginning and even through the subsequent cycles he went through we were so much in love with each other. I will love and miss him for the rest of my life."
(in MDragynfly MySpace)

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понедельник, 21 февраля 2011

19:58

Решил поучаствовать в этом флэшмобе:
Отметьтесь в комментариях, и я назову вам 7 ассоциаций, связанных с вами. В своем дневнике вы объясняете эти ассоциации.

секретные откровения1. реконструкция:
Да-да-да я реконструктор, я люблю носить тяжёлые рюкзаки, люблю лечить переломы и различные растяжения, и люблю и уважаю людей. которые этим занимаются, потому что у них самые открытые и доброжелательные души, с ними приятно общаться и проводить время.
2. уют:
Когда я читал эту ассоциацию, я поймал себя на мысли, что не могу представить себе неуютное место, сколько бы я не таскался по разным помойкам, заброшенным зданиям и лесам с дырявыми палатками - в любом месте я находил дял себя что-то уютное, пусть и не всегда это был кот, кружка с кофе и теплое место.
3. тяжелая музыка:
почему-то я часто вызываю подобные ассоциации, но совершенно не понимаю почему

. Я больше люблю классическую музыку, эмбиент и синтипоп с дарквэйвом, но видно я выгляжу так, что у каждого возникает мысль: "О! Этот чувак точно случает что-то потяжелее!"
4. доспехи:
Доспехи это моя страсть. От ранних кольчуг и пластинчатых несуразиц, до тяжёлых штуриовых кирас первой мировой. Когда-нибудь, когда у меня будет много времени и денег, (никогда бгг) я соберусь и открою галерею с манекенами в доспехах, в которой будет то, что я носил и планирую носить (ога целых 5 комплектов бгг)
5. кружка с пивом.
А пиву я предпочитаю сок и вредную газировку. За новый год я ещё не выпил ни кружки, чем и горжусь, зато вот насчёт других напитков всё не так радужно... Но угостить кого-нибудь пивом это всегда пожалуйста, если конечно же человек хороший и заслужил этого.
6. история:
Страсть к истории у меня пробудилась давно, копаться в примечаниях, отыскивать несуразицы, разбираться в катках советских и немецких танков, да и просто реконструкция прекрасно подпадает под этот пункт. Единственный минус этой ассоциации - это вечные консультации моих друзей и одноклассников, ели им нужно что-то в этой теме.
7. дреды))
Я очень люблю необычные прически и, по возможности, стараюсь себе навертеть на голове что-нибудь этакое. Последним моим достижением были дреды, но, с началом моей работе в школе, пришлось их отрезать и положить на полку... Зато экспериментировать с цветом волос мне никто не запрещал никогда )

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